- Dean Smith
What You Don’t Know, CAN Hurt You
Julia Hartley Moore, a private investigator specializing in infidelity for over 15 years, sheds some light on the emotional questions that infidelity investigators are asked by their clients everyday. What you don’t know CAN hurt you, and this article posted on DivorcedMoms.com and Huffington Post Divorce may help you protect yourself. Read Moore’s responses to these difficult questions below:
1. If he wants her so much, why does he stay with me? Because he wants her as well as you. If he’s fallen head over heels in love with this woman and he can’t live without her then he might leave you for her, as some men do. The ones who don’t are just plain greedy.
2. Is it wrong to have him watched if I suspect he’s having an affair? Absolutely not. Don’t ever feel guilty about protecting yourself. As his wife you have every right to know what he’s doing with your health, finances and emotions.
3. Why does he keep doing this to me? They keep doing it because they know (from experience) you will forgive them. Often women who are married to serial cheaters will scream and shout at their partner if they discover he has been cheating, but ultimately they don’t take any action.
Remember you can’t keep doing the same thing and expect a different result. If you’re not prepared to up the ante, then expect to continue living a life of emotional turmoil.
4. He’s lied so much to me. How can I ever trust what he says again? To learn to trust someone again is extremely hard, and in some cases impossible. It is such an individual choice, and only you will know if you feel truly comfortable with what is being said and done. There’s no quick fix for infidelity. In fact, it can take literally years to restore trust.
Many men believe that once they have confessed, that should be the end of the matter. Unless you know that you’ve been heard on all levels and your partner has understood the gravity of his immaturity and the choices he’s made, then you’ll never get over his infidelity.
5. I know he’s having a relationship, but is it sexual? Of course it’s sexual. It doesn’t matter if it’s looking at pornography, chatting with other women online, or physically having an affair, because in the end it is a desire for sex. If it was all so innocent then the only question you would have to ask your partner would be, “Would you do any or all of these things with me present?”
When you ask the question “Is it sexual?” what you’re doing is trying to justify your partner’s deception and to minimize your own emotional anguish.
6. Is it my fault? How can it be your fault if you didn’t know it was happening?
Your husband may have tried to shift the blame onto you by saying if you were only more attentive, less busy, etc., he would never have done this. But for every action there is a reaction, so he should take responsibility for his actions.
7. I think my husband’s having an affair but he’s home every evening, so how can he be? Many affairs are conducted during the day, mostly when both parties are married and going out in the evening would arouse suspicion. Many of my clients seem to think affairs are about long afternoons together, but in my experience they’re much more likely to be quickies during the day because remember, time isn’t the issue here; it’s all about sex.
8. Why won’t he tell me the truth? That’s all I ask. In majority of cases, his lies are to avoid having to face your anger and hurt if he tells you the truth. He hopes that denying it will make it go away and you’ll give up asking. He lies to protect his ego and often to protect the other woman, fearing that you will use the information to undermine him or her. And finally, he may fear that the truth will damage his image in the eyes of others.
9. Do I need to prove the identity of the other woman now that adultery is no longer grounds for divorce? Initially, needing to know has nothing to do with money and everything to do with uncovering deceit. Uncovering emotional deceit often leads to uncovering financial deceit. That’s when needing to know has everything to do with money and divorce settlements.
10. Should I stay for the children? Children easily pick up on tension at home and can blame themselves for what’s going on. If you choose to stay and try to rebuild your relationship, you will both need to agree how this can be achieved without causing trauma for the children. From a child’s point of view, one happy parent is always better than two warring parents.
11. When I say I’m going to leave, why does my partner not take me seriously? Because you didn’t leave. Threats without action are worth nothing.