- Dean Smith
What NOT to do if you find out you’ve been cheated on
Finding out or having suspicions that you’ve been cheated on comes with high emotions, which are also accompanied by impulsive decisions. Tracy Schorn of Huffington Post Divorce says that, “The goal here, upon finding out that you’ve been cheated on, is to take back your power, maintain your dignity and not do anything homicidal.”
Read the following five principles highlighting what NOT to do if you find out you’ve been cheated on:
1. Do not confront the cheater without solid proof. This principle is key, especially since most cheaters will deny, deny, deny. That’s what we’re here for: evidence, solid proof, and peace of mind. When a cheater is presented with irrefutable evidence, there is nowhere else to run.
2. Never accept accountability for their cheating indiscretions. According to Schorn, “People cheat because they feel entitled to. Cheaters are 100 percent responsible for their decision to cheat.” Don’t let them put the blame on you, and never feel guilty for protecting yourself. There are hundreds of other options to proactively take control of your relationship if you’re unhappy. Cheating is not one of them.
3. Don’t give them any time to “decide.” “Have you heard the expression, don’t make anyone a priority who only makes you an option? You are not an option,” says Schorn. “You are their spouse. This is not a contest. They made a commitment to you. They don’t get to renegotiate the terms. Stalling for time, acting vague about how they intend to make this right, talking a good game and never coming through on the particulars — these are all ploys to keep them in the affair.” The cheater needs to decide NOW.
4. Do not beg. Do not allow the cheater to see that they are in the position of power. MAINTAIN YOUR DIGNITY. It is perfectly ok to cry and be upset and angry. Schorn says to let that anger “fuel you forward” and stand your ground.
5. Do not waste your time trying to fix them. Naturally, after discovering infidelity, Schorn says, “You’ll posit theories. You’ll deconstruct their family of origin issues. You’ll order a dozen infidelity books on Amazon. All this does is keep your energy focused on them. Not you. You only get to control yourself. So what do you want? Is this person someone you want to invest in? What is acceptable and unacceptable to you? And what are you going to do about it? If you’re so busy trying to uncode them, or predict what they’ll do next, or prevent them from doing some awful thing, you will just stay stuck. It doesn’t matter why they are how they are. You can’t fix it. You just get to fix you.”
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