- Dean Smith
What NOT to Do After Discovering Infidelity
If we’ve ever heard anything that precisely describes the majority of reactions once discovering you’ve been cheated on, this is it: “Very few people navigate this crap gracefully. Accept that you’re going to wobble and fail sometimes. It’s okay. The goal here, upon finding out that you’ve been cheated on, is to take back your power, maintain your dignity, and not do anything homicidal,” says Tracy Schorn, journalist, cartoonist, blogger and owner of www.chumplady.com.
Finding out you’re a victim of infidelity can be described as devastating, emotional, heartbreaking. You’ve been badly betrayed and everything you thought you knew and everything you felt about your marriage has just been ripped out from under you. But thanks to Schorn, we have some words of advice to help you navigate this difficult time. These are the things NOT to do if you’ve just discovered you’ve been cheated on:
1. Approach the confrontation WITHOUT evidence. This is extremely important (and precisely the moment that WE help YOU). You can’t leave any margin for error, because without proper evidence/documentation/surveillance video/etc., a cheater will deny, deny, deny. Furthermore, if you have no solid evidence to present to them, you have just alerted them that you are suspicious and they’ll end up spending more time and effort hiding the affair. We should be your first stop.
2.. Never accept responsibility for their cheating. It has never been and never will be your fault that your significant other cheated on you. They made the decision to step out on their marriage; you didn’t push them out. They valued the way they felt while cheating more than their commitment to you.
3. Don’t give them the time to make a “decision.” Schorn notes that, “You are not an option. You are their spouse. This is not a contest. They made a commitment to YOU. They don’t get to renegotiate the terms. Stalling for time, acting all vague about how they intend to make this right, talking a good game and never coming through on the particulars — these are all ploys to keep them in the affair.”
4. Maintain your dignity – do not beg for your marriage. You do not need to win them over. This will just inflate their ego while you surrender your power.
5. Lastly, do not waste your precious time trying to figure out why they are the way they are and how they could possible do this to you. Schorn notes that, “You’ll posit theories. You’ll deconstruct their FOO issues. You’ll order a dozen infidelity books on Amazon. All this does is keep your energy focused on them. Not YOU. You only get to control yourself. So what do YOU want? Is this person someone you want to invest in? What is acceptable and unacceptable to you? And what are YOU going to do about it? If you’re so busy trying to uncode them, or predict what they’ll do next, or prevent them from doing some awful thing — you will just stay stuck. It doesn’t matter why they are how they are. You can’t fix it. You just get to fix you.”
You are not alone in this. Suspicious? Get Answers TODAY with ICU Investigations.